Stereotypes: The Poser

Illustration: Peter Liddiard

Bling headphones

Since reading that listening to music can increase your athletic performance by up to 15%, The Poser’s life has had a constant soundtrack. Piped directly into his ears via overpriced cans, the music keeps him in the zone and pushes him past the self-imposed boundaries that stop us mere mortals achieving greatness. The branding suggests he’s listening to some cutting-edge Bashment or Trap but in reality he’s got
Ed Sheeran’s ‘Galway Girl’ on repeat.

Too much tech

Our man knows that training these days is all about the tech, which is why he’s constantly updating his wearables. One for steps, one for calorie burn and one for… what’s the other one for? Never mind, he’s got more data Bluetoothing its way to his phone than Strava on New Year’s Day, despite the fact he won’t look at any of it. He also wears a chest strap (even though all his devices have an in-built heart-rate monitor) to show that he’s super-serious about this running lark. Is it actually paired with one of his (many) devices? Who knows, certainly not The Poser.

Designer shades

If the hours The Poser has spent in the gym have taught him anything, it’s that there’s no gain without pain, which is why he doesn’t mind wearing ill-fitting sunnies that will induce a tension headache as well as damage the bridge of his (perfect) nose. He may not be able to see anything himself but at least everyone else can see the branding.

Hot bod

The Poser is a generous type; he’s not about to keep his gym-honed body to himself. No, he wants to share it, with all of us, which is why when he does venture away from the weight rack he refuses to take a top with him. Never mind that technical fabrics are so advanced it’s more beneficial to wear a breathable wicking top than to not, for our man it’s all about maximum absposure.

Inappropriate trainers

Mistaking the Breaking2 project as an attempt to achieve a lower single-digit body-fat percentage, The Poser has invested in some of the most expensive trainers on the market. Dismissing a gait-analysis, their lightweight nature is likely to do him more harm than good and certainly won’t be improving his running or fitness generally. But hey, they look great, which for our man is what it’s all about.